Bringing down a Giraffe 101

Today I'll show you how to bring down a giraffe.

When you run into a giraffe, don't panic. Try not to stare straight into its eyes and act as if you are shy.

Then grab its neck with your right hand and slam it onto the ground, knocking it unconscious.

To make it absolutely sure, try stepping onto its head so that it won't suddenly jump up and overpower you.

Once it's lying on the ground, you may poke its eyes with your right hand, and check on its pulse with your left.

Done! Next week: Bringing down Goliath 101.

(Disclaimer: Don't worry, we are animal lovers too. No animal was harmed in the process.)

How Not to Propose to Someone (Whoever She is)

Elisabeth, will you marry me?

Huh, will you?

Hey, I'm not Elisabeth. I'm April!

Oh really? Aren't you Elisabeth? It doesn't matter. June, or whatever, will you marry me?

Latest Fashion for 2008

Designed in Italy. Available while stock lasts.

Mars Attack

Martian in blue: "#$*@#$$**%#%$#$!#@#^!##$%>*?"

Martian in pale blue: "%^@*#%@$*$@*%@*??$%#%^."

Martian in blue: "*$%#%$#^**@$#!*#$^!"

Martian in pale blue: $%!$%@^$!^$^&%$!^%#@^&!%&^!!"
Martian in blue: $%!@#^%!$%^$#%$%^!&^&^^!!!"

Daryl the Santa

"Welcome to my home, kids. Good morning!"

"Thanks for waking me up. It's not early, so I'd better call and wake up my deer. They had a wild party last night and I'm not sure they are home yet."

"First things first, some push-ups for me. You know, the presents are quite heavy. I'm quite old and I don't want to injure myself. And frankly, I don't know to whom I should claim damages if injure myself at work ..."

"Okay, fatso, I think you need a chair. Merry X'mas!"

"Whew, what a day. It's time to tuck in. Happy eating!"

Nine to Five

"Good, a new briefcase for me. I don't like the colour though. Why don't you get a pink one for me? At least it matches my shirt."

"Hey taxi!"

"Chumps, we need to maximise our profits and, well, it's 4:30 and let's call it a day."

"There is no better place than this club. I can have all the food and beverages I want, and all I have to do is to sit down and then someone will feed me!"

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ..."

Live Commentary: Friendly Match between Ryan and Daryl

Daryl: "It's a foul!"

Daryl: "Now back off 10 yards and I'll bend it like Beckham."

Ryan: "Are you alright? Sorry for the tackle. Ref, don't book me for this!"

Ryan: "Ref, I said don't book me! I'll give you all the milk powder I have."

Ryan: "Ref!"

Daryl: "Ryan, this is the key to the ref's locker and you can take away his yellow card and red card. You can take away his clothes if you want, and you may also find some pacifiers as well. I heard that the refs suck them, among other othings, really well."

Ryan: "Got it."

Daryl: "Let's play ball!"

Daryl: "Oh yeah!"

(Just to remind you that NICAM service is available for the above dialogue.)

Where is Daddy?

Don't go, Daddy! I'll give you my share of chips and candies ...

Like Daddy ...

I love junk food so much that I'll eat all the chips and candies that Daddy has bought.

Unlike Daddy ...

I've got so much hair that I need to comb them often.

No Thanks, I'd Rather Walk.

That's what Daryl said to me when I tried to pick him up from a baby walker at a department store many months ago.

I swear.

His walker days are long gone, but I can still recall how we bought him the first (and probably the only) walker.

We had never thought of buying a walker for him before, the main reason is that the walker alone is big enough to occupy most of our tiny little flat, not to say not enough room for him to move around.

Also, being so thick (figuratively speaking) and ignorant, we decided to listen to the so-called expert advice which, I can say, are quite anti-baby walker. That's why Daryl had never seen, not to say used, a baby walker before.

But one day, we fell for our parents' advice (or trap, you may say). During our conversation about Daryl's flat learning curve, they suggested buying us a baby walker. And being a good (and greedy) child, I didn't say no and for once listened to them.

So we marched on to a big department store and put Daryl into a walker for a trial. And we couldn't believe how excited and happy he was when we did so. The instance we put him into the walker, he started walking, albeit backwards and sideways like a crab, something which my parents said was completely normal for a baby learning to walk for the very first time.

And so we went on to set a record for taking-the-shortest-time-ever-in-deciding-to-buy-something-"expensive"-for-Daryl. Yeah, the walker was expensive to me, as the money is enough for me to have lunch at some decent places for an entire month.

But it was definitely money well-spent. Daryl loves walking in the walker and he soon learned how to go forward, go in reverse, make a U-turn, honk the horn and run over innocent pedestrians (like me) like a mad and reckless driver (like me).

And the walker is designed like a bumper car (I can't tell you how many times he has collided with the TV cabinet and almost knocked over the refrigerator) which has kept Daryl out of reach of lots of potential hazards (like some mindless pedestrians like me).

Although he didn't use the walker for a long period of time, and it is now stacked somewhere in our store room, I would recommend all parents to buy one for their children.

And ours is like brand-new which will go to the highest bidder.

Extra Safe Protection

"I need the extra protection to play safe, just in case the juice goes everywhere," says Daryl.

Lost in the Supermarket

Can someone wheel me to the snacks section please? I need chips, chips and more chips.

Braving the Beach

Daryl always loves taking a bath. So we expected him to love going to the beach and playing with water and sand.

But we couldn't be more wrong.

On the final day of this past summer vacation, we decided to put on a diving suit for him and go to the beach together.

We went there late in the afternoon, hoping that it would not be as hot as midday. While it was indeed a little cooler, it was still a hot day.

When we took off Daryl's clothes revealing his fluorescent diving suit (courtesy of his crazy godmothers), he was smiling and laughing as if looking towards to the challenges ahead.

"Give me a surfing board," we thought he said.

But just as we put him onto the sand, he started crying. Loudly.

Worried, we carried him into our arms and took him near the water, hoping that the water would cool him down.

But he cried even louder. Maddeningly louder.

We had no choice but to mount a full-scale retreat. He finally stopped crying when we retreated to somewhere almost 50 metres away from the water.

Later on, we tried to take him close to the water again, but he just wouldn't budge and started crying again. Astoundingly loudly.

Then we put him onto our mat. When he finally stopped crying, we tried to put his feet onto the sand. But as soon as his feet hit the sand, he lifted them, as if the sand was infected with lots of lethal germs (which in fact was).

In the end, I was the only one who could get into the water to enjoy a sunbath. Meanwhile, my wife and my helper had to look after this scared little baby all afternoon long.

Well, perhaps next time would be better, right?

This Suit Should Suit You

I'd rather have a tailor-made suit ...

Passport Pictures

Ah, it's time for some passport pictures ...